Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

State troopers, county sheriffs and municipal police, are you fed up with your job? Are you tired of running to a judge with a lot of paperwork just to kick in a door and search a private home? Are you sick of filling out forms, sitting on administrative leave and answering idiotic questions from some woke civilian review board every time you shoot your gun? Do you find it tedious reading that silly Miranda card every time you make an arrest? Wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have to look over your shoulder whenever you need to beat a confession out of a perp to make sure there is not some geek with a cell phone camera around?

Well there is a place for you at Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). Here at ICE, we know what real policing means. We understand that your badge and gun deserve more respect than some ancient document locked away in a vault in Washington, D.C. When you work for us, you won’t need a warrant to bust into any home, hospital, business, school or church. You won’t have to rattle off a bunch of rights to the perps you arrest because they don’t have any rights. You don’t have to fear the cameras because your face will be masked. You don’t have to handle perps with kid gloves because where they are going, there will be no nosy journalists or oily defense attorneys to listen to their whining. And here is the best part: racial profiling is perfectly fine with us and approved by the Supreme Court. So you don’t have to worry about bothersome civil rights actions when you arrest some dark skinned funny talking dude who has “illegal” written all over him. In addition to a $50,000 sign on bonus, you will get salary and federal benefits far above what any state or municipality can pay you.

So what are you waiting for? Ditch that suffocating burden of civilian control, judicial oversight and stifling regulation. Join our team at ICE and become the cop you always wanted to be!

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck