Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

This is a public service message from the staff of Kirkegaard’s Ghost. Secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., has declared a recent spike in the spread of Trump Derangement Syndrome to be a national health emergency. As always, the Ghost stands with our government in its efforts to make America healthy again. Accordingly, we are sharing this important announcement with our readers.   

We all know that Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) is rampant among radical liberal snowflakes, treasonous Democrat politicians and the sick lame stream media talking heads. In case you are assuming that that, as a loyal MAGA Trump supporter, you are immune from this serous mental condition, think again. Lately, there have been troubling signs that TDS is making its way deep into the heart of Red State America and infecting even our most loyal foot soldiers with doubts about our Dear Leader. This threat is too serious to ignore. TDS, also known as sanity, can quickly erode that undivided loyalty to MAGA you have spent decades cultivating. Here are some of the symptoms accompanying the onset of TDS:

• You are beginning to doubt that Tylenol and vaccines are responsible for causing autism.

• You are wondering how a windmill can possibly cause cancer.

• Donald Trump’s sentences are starting to sound logically, grammatically and factually incoherent.

• You look at news footage from the love fest at our nation’s capital on January 6, 2020 and see only rioting and vandalism.

• You start to question how a dead guy from Venezuela could possibly infect United States state operated voting machines unconnected to the internet with a virus changing presidential votes.

• You wander into a Haitian neighborhood and can’t find a single restaurant serving dog or cat meat.

• You cannot see the dramatic drop in the prices of food, housing and rent announced by the Trump administration in your neighborhood.

• You cannot find the best insurance coverage ever that our Dear Leader’s administration promised on day one of his administration.

• You start to think the rambling of that crazy, leftwing, deranged radical cousin of yours is actually making sense.

These are just some of the symptoms indicating that TDS or sanity is beginning to affect your brain. You should not treat any of these symptoms lightly. Thankfully, there are steps you can take to protect yourself against the onset of TDS.

• Disconnect from any and all lame stream media. Some well meaning MAGA folk have exposed themselves to these demented talking heads with the misguided notion that listening to and understanding them will help them defeat their arguments. Precisely the opposite has resulted. Never underestimate the power of a new idea! It can stretch your brain and put it on new tracks of thinking that could turn out to be irreversible.

• Avoid facts. Nothing undermines the blind faith our Dear Leader requires faster than exposure to facts. Facts only cloud and confuse the issues. They sow doubt and undermine loyalty. If you have been exposed to troubling facts, you need to contact one of our Truth Social stations immediately to arrange for prompt treatment. Fortunately, we have a large store of alternative facts with which we can rewire your brain before the actual facts have a chance to impart irreparable learning.

• Break off all communication with your relatives, friends and co-workers who are already infected with TDS. TDS has proven to be highly contagious. Exposure to infected people, even for short periods of time, can lead to cognitive contamination with dangerous thoughts and ideas that can permanently increase your knowledge, vocabulary and understanding.

• Protect your children. Public schools are swamps filled with troublesome facts, novel ideas and, above all, dangerous books. The best way to protect your children from infection with TDS is to take them out of school altogether. We highly recommend home schooling where your children will absorb only the truths you drill into them. Discourage reading or, better yet, don’t teach your kids to read. Remember that the best defense against TDS is illiteracy.

• Practice MAGA mindfulness. Go to a safe room in your house insulated from all outside influences. Light a candle, put on Lee Greenwood’s God Bless the U.S.A., wrap yourself in your Trump flag and go into a gentle rock. Empty your head. Imagine your brain shrinking back to its normal pint size as you let go of those troubling facts, challenging ideas and perplexing thoughts.

Of course, the best defense against TDS is simply to avoid contracting it in the first place. That is why we urge all the MAGA faithful to stay inside the bubble. TDS is no laughing matter. Too many of our people have succumbed to it and slipped into the incurable state of sanity. Don’t you be one of them!   

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck