Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

Kierkegaard’s Ghost is proud to announce our sponsorship of the newly minted God Bless the USA Bible. This addition of Holy Writ, promoted by President (some scurriously allege “former president”) Donald J. Trump, is like none other. Unlike all the incomplete versions that contain only such quaint and boring relics as the words of Jesus, the Ten Commandments, sermons of prophets and epistles of apostles, this Bible comes with a complete copy of the divinely inspired United States Constitution, Declaration of Independence and the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag. It bears the stamp of its promoter who urges us to “Make America ‘Prey’ Again-you know, on those sweet young things. Grab ‘em by the p#$&*! We’ll make America safe again for our boys to be boys!” Donald J. Trump

This handsome imitation leather bound volume comes complete with color illustrations, redlining for the words of Jesus (as well as real estate), a centerfold featuring Stormy Daniels and one of her steamiest DVDs. All this can be yours for just $59.99. The God Bless the USA Bible is not available in any retail outlets.

What conservative evangelical leaders are saying about the God Bless the USA Bible:

“God’s word from the hand of God’s champion. You can’t get holier writ than that!” Rev. Franklin Graham.

“I love it! I especially liked the DVD. It was almost as good as watching it live.” Former Liberty University president Jerry Fallwell, Jr.

“It’s wonderful that we have a political leader who not only promotes but embodies family values like rape, adultry and fornication-hey, it’s all in the Bible. Biblical families did it.” Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council.

“This is a true white man’s Bible! Every single illustration paints the bible heroes white, including all three wise men and the Ethiopian Eunuch. Now that’s a replacement conspiracy I can get behind!” Tucker Carlson

Now folks, this Bible is a great deal, but that isn’t the only reason we need you to buy it. As you know, with several criminal indictments and a civil judgement of almost five billion dollars against Donald Trump, his re-election campaign is in deep financial trouble. We need you to help us replenish the coffers by making the God Bless the USA Bible a best seller. If Donald Trump loses, our country will be overrun with liberal, Marxist, God denying, America hating vermin. I know you don’t want that to happen! So help us keep Donald from going broke and America from going Wok. This fine Bible on your coffee table, in addition to supporting our dear leader, will let your snowflake neighbors and relatives know exactly where you stand.

BUT WAIT! There’s more. If you place your order within the next thirty days, we will also send you, free of charge, the latest model of the Make America Great Again baseball cap. This fine head piece, lovingly assembled by child laborers in the People’s Republic of China, comes with an aluminum foil lining to protect your brain from lame stream media propaganda, radioactive breezes from wind turbines and dangerous ideas from those books your kids keep bringing home from school. Don’t let the facts upset and confuse you. Better dead than read. “Life is fraughtless when you’re thoughtless.”

So what are you waiting for? Call, write or order your God Bless the USA Bible online now and get your free tin foil lined MAGA cap today while supplies last.

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck