(News that’s fake, but credible)
Kierkegaard’s Ghost has acquired, through and anonymous source, a copy of the original draft of President Trump’s December 17, 2019 letter to House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, prior to editing by the president’s communication team. The text is printed below.
Deer Pee pee Pelosi
This impeechment thing is so unfair! You are just mad cause I beet Hilery 2016 by a land slide. You are just jelus cause I am the best president the cuntry ever had. The ameriken peeple love me. Fox news poles that say they want me out are rong. Fox is fake news. They sed they were my frends. But Fox and frends are not frends. Except Tucker Karilson. He is still my frend. The rest are not frends enymore.
Impeechment is an ugly word. But it is an importent word. It is an expensive word. Expensive things are good. I have all expensive things. Very expensive things. The best things muny can by. But you took an expensive word and made it cheep. That was very bad of you. It shoes you are a bad person. All the democrat party is bad persons. They are all very bad to me. They have been bad to my famly. Very bad. They made my famly feel bad. And that is bad.
You shud be ashamed of yourself. The founding fathers would be ashamed of you if they knew you. But they don’t know you cause there dead. But if they were not dead, they would be ashamed. Ashamed of you. Not me. They wood be proud of me. Cause I am the best president ever. I made a big wall to keep bad people out of the cuntry. I made a tax bill that made the stok market go up. I made lots of jobs for black people even though they do not like me. But they shuld like me cause I was very nice to them. I gave them lots of jobs.
You sed my call to valdumer zelincky was abusing my power. It was not! It was a perfect call. The perfectest call there ever was. It was a butiful call. All my calls are butiful. But this call to mister zelincky was the perfectest call I ever made. But you sed it was bad. All the democrats sed it was bad. That is a lie! It was a very very very good call. Everybody says it was a perfect call exsept you and your very bad frends. You shud be ashamed!
You are very unfair! Joe Biden goes to ukrane and does many bad things and you say, oh, that’s joe. We like joe so he can do what he wants. Donald Trump has a perfect fone call and you say, oh Donald is bad! He did a bad thing! We have to impeech him. You just like joe Biden beter than me and so you treet him nice and me mean. That is very unfair. You are a very unfair person and so is the democrat party. Very unfair. Rudy juliani knows who the bad person reely is and he is going to tell evryone how bad joe Bidan is. Rudy is my frend. He is not mean to me. He helps me like you shuld help me. You wud help me if you were a good person. But you are a bad person so you don’t help me.
Adam shiff is also a very unfair, very mean person. He was very mean to me and said things that are mean. He sed I put myself in frunt of the cuntry but I did not! I put the cuntry ferst. I always put the cuntry ferst. But nobody in the senate is going to lisen to shiff. The democrats will lisen, but there are more republicans than them so they can think what they want. It won’t matter. The republicans, who are more, lisen to me. They know I made a perfekt call. They know I did not do bad things. They know I do good things. So they will akwit me no matter what the bad democrats say. Akwit means say I did not do anything rong. And that is what they will do. You can’t stop them from akwiting so buggers on you!
Donald J. Trump
FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen. “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck