Draft of Trump Concession Statement Leaked to Press

Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

It appears that, at long last, President Trump is prepared to concede the 2020 election to President Elect Joe Biden. The Ghost recently obtained what appears to be a draft of the president’s concession statement  from an employee of the Mara Lago resort where the president is currently staying. Our source, who prefers to remain anonymous, told us that the document evidently fell off the president’s golf cart. The text is as follows:

I, Donald J. Trump, hereby conceed the 2020 elexion to Joe Biden. Melania made me say it. I didn’t reely lose. It was a stupid elexion and Joe won because he cheeted. Joe and his cruked son Hunter snuck in with loser Hugo Chavez and made all the voting mashines in the swing states say Biden and not Trump. I wud still be president exept Mich McConnill and all the other republican seneters terned agest me and sed Joe was president when they shud have sed it was me. Even Mike Pence is terning agenst me. My family turned agenst me. Only Sidney Powell and Mike Flynn still luv me. Everybody else hates me. I hate them too and I wont forget how mean they were to me.

Everyone was mean to me. I win a landslide against Hilary and everybody says oh Trump cheeted with Rusha. Then they told Robert Muler to invsto investa envest luk into me. He said mean things and untrue things about me. Then I made a perfekt fone call, a butiful fone call. And even tho it was a perfekt and butiful fone call, I got impeeched for it. That was very unfair. Adam Shiff and Nansy Pilosi were mean to me, but then the senate acwited me. They said I cud still be president. They acted like they were my frends.

But they were not reely my frends. Now they are saying Joe Biden won the elexion-even tho he cheeted and even tho millions of peeple know I won. After all I did for them they are treeting me very bad. Ever sinse I was president everyone is mean to me. They call me names. They make fun of my hair and my ties. They don’t give me muny for my border wall. The supreem cort keeps on telling me I cant do anything even tho I am president and the boss of them. They dont lisen to my loyers and their butiful, perfekt lawsutes. Even tho I gave them their jobs they dont help me. They just say go away Donald. Joe Biden won.

Joe Biden Joe Biden Joe Biden. Everything is Joe Biden. Everybody luvs Joe Biden. But did he bild a butiful border wall? Did he make a perfekt fone call? Did he yell at the sientists and make them hurry up and make a vaxine for covid 19 even tho it was a stupid hox like the rushan hox? No. He didn’t. But I did. But nobody says thank you. No nobody says you did a good job. They just keep saying oh Donald is bad, bad, bad. I do all wunderful things for America. But America says go away Donald. We want Joe Biden not you.

I am tired of being president of this stupid cuntry that is mean to me and never does what I say. I was a grate president. The gratest president sinse Aberham Linkon. Maybe even grater then him. But the press and the democrats and the liberals just make up lies and say I am bad. And the repubikans tern their bak on me and wont stik up for me when I won the elexion. America wont stik up for me. So I wont stik up for you either. I am going to florida to play golf and I dont care what happens to this stupid cuntry anymore. I wont let you have any releef from Covid or any muny to pay your soljers or any muny to run your stupid goverment. I hate all you stupid people. Poop and buggars on you.

Your president (even tho you say I am not)

Donald J. Trump      P.S. This is You:

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck

 

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