Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

The Ghost is pleased to offer this editorial opinion by its staff investigative reporter and commentator, Phucker Sharlitan.

Many so called conservative Republicans and pretend evangelical Christians are applauding the Alabama Supreme Court’s ruling that frozen embryos are persons under state law. For my part, I will acknowledge that this decision is a step forward. But it does not go near far enough. Human life will never be fully protected until we recognize each individual sperm as a unique human person. I want to emphasize that my view, not the court’s, is fully supported by the Holy Bible. The learned Alabama Justice cites in his opinion the first chapter of the prophet Jeremiah to the effect that “Before I [God] formed you in the womb I knew you.” The operative term here is “before.” Where was Jeremiah before he was in his mother’s womb? Clearly, he existed at that point as a single sperm that would one day be implanted in the body of his mother. I would also point out that in the Book of Hebrews the writer notes that the Israelite, Levi, was in the loins of his great grandfather Abraham two generations before he was born. That being the case, what else can we conclude but that the sperm is a complete human person in the image of its Maker?

My critics are greatly mistaken in their belief that human life begins at conception and that living beings prior thereto are expendable. God obviously takes a different view. The Lord went so far as to strike dead Onan, son of Judah because, rather than impregnating his wife, he “spilt his seed on the ground.” The implication is clear: human sperm have a right to implantation in a womb. The wonton killing of sperm by use of contraceptive devices or noncoital sex is no less than homicide. Masturbation is mass murder.

Given these unambiguous scriptures and indisputable facts, it is obvious to me that legislation seeking to regulate woman’s wombs is too little and too late. What we need is legislation strictly regulating men’s penises. I am sure that my male colleagues will protest that their bodies are their own and the government has no right to regulate them. But their bodies are not their own. Their bodies are vessels of precious human lives which we, as a Christian nation built on biblical values, are duty bound to protect. They will complain that such legislation will invade their privacy and involve the actions of government in their most intimate of relationships. Perhaps, but that is a small price to pay for protecting millions of human lives from indiscriminate slaughter. Thus, while I applaud the justices of Alabama’s supreme court for expanding the definition of human personhood to embryos, I would urge them, along with all jurists, legislators and voters, to go further and protect human life in its totality.

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck