Phucker Sharlitan Joins Staff of Kierkegaard’s Ghost

Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

The Ghost welcomes with pride the newest member of our editorial staff, Phucker Sharlitan. Mr. Sharlitan comes to us from the distinguished news network, Faux News. He is known for his relentless pursuit of stories the “lame stream” media persistently ignores. He was among the first to uncover the insidious plot by Democrats to undermine the white Christian culture of the United States by opening up the borders to millions of liberal, non-white terrorists. He has bravely defended the patriots who fought to save our nation from a stolen election on January 6, 2021. He has ruthlessly pursued the “deep state” with the mercilous light of exposure.

Ghost: Mr. Sharlitan, I am sure I speak for our entire readership when I extend to you our sincerest welcome.

Sharlitan: Thanks. It’s an honor be a part of your fine publication. I’m looking forward to continuing my work of uncovering truths the deep state would rather you didn’t know.

Ghost: Now am I correct in my understanding that your full name is Phucker Sharlitan the Third?

Sharlitan: I don’t like to put numbers at the back of my name. It makes me sound like all those left wing Ivy League snobs who think their hifalutin learning makes them smarter than the blood washed dirt farmers and good ol’ boys with engine grease under their fingernails who are the backbone of what’s left of this great nation. But it is true that I come from a long line of Sharlitans. Incidentally, my first name is also prominent in our family. A lot of my people have been called Phucker over the decades.   

Ghost: Well, I am sure you will continue your fine work with us. Let me ask you a little bit about your investigative work. How do you manage to bring to light what most of the rest of the world overlooks?

Sharlitan: You have heard the old saying, “the truth is out there.” Well, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. When you can’t find the truth, a good investigative journalist makes the truth. That isn’t always easy because the lying liberal media is always out there confusing the issues with facts. So you have to always be thinking, always on your feet and ready with alternative facts. That’s the only way to keep the radical, liberal press on its heals. When you have a compelling theory, you don’t need facts.

Ghost: Tell us a little bit about what you mean by “alternative facts.”

Sharlitan: Sure. What liberals will never understand is that there is not simply one set of facts that is always true. Truth isn’t some singular absolute. There’s your truth and there’s my truth. The real truth, though, is what is believed. As one great statesman put it, “If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.”

Ghost: Uh, wasn’t that Adolph Hitler?

Sharlitan: Whatever. So an alternative fact has as much a potential for becoming the truth as anything some hack reporter digs up. It’s all a matter of what is most credible to your audience. I deal in the coin of credibility. Facts are of little importance.

Ghost: Can you tell us a little bit about your investigative techniques, where you get your leads and and how you make your connections?

Sharlitan: Investigative journalism has changed over the last couple of decades. Used to be, we were always out on the beat. And believe me, we worked hard. Every day we had to trek down to the Walmart check-out line and read the tabloids. We had to read fast, too. If we stood around too long the cashier would insist that we buy them. It’s much easier these days. Now I just sit at my desk and surf the internet. It’s all online.

Ghost: You get your stories from the internet?

Sharlitan: Sure. That is where all the really interesting stuff is. Without the internet, we wouldn’t know about Clinton’s & Soros’ child trafficking; Hugo Chaves’ colluding with Dominion to steal the 2020 election; the alien DNA being injected into the phony vaccine for the phony Covid-19 pandemic; the plot by radical environmentalists to install cancer causing windmills all over the country; wok educators’ plans to eradicate Christianity by teaching our kids socialism, radical feminism and CRT. You won’t find that on the major networks.

Ghost: Do you ever fact check your internet sources?

Sharlitan: What did I just tell you about facts? They aren’t important enough to waste time checking. Besides, it’s not my job. Look, for too long the burden of proof has unfairly been placed on journalists to prove that their stories are true. As far as I’m concerned, it’s the job of anyone who doubts my word to prove it false.  

Ghost: I see. So tell us about some other matters you plan to investigate.

Sharlitan: I have a long list of lies, subterfuges and schemes I intend to expose. Like all the fake moon landings in the 60s and 70s; the alien bodies held at area 51 in Roswell; the modern school curricula that is responsible for de-masculinizing boys and brainwashing girls into thinking they are as smart as men; and the raid of President Donald Trump’s Mara Logo residence to plant fake classified documents and retrieve Hillary Clinton’s missing e-mails…wow! Don’t get me started. The woks are turning everything true American’s hold dear upside down and backwards. There are so many different angles from which America is under attack that nobody is seeing!

Ghost: Well, once again, welcome the staff of Kierkegaard’s Ghost. We look forward to getting more from your pen. 

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck

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