Kierkegaard’s Ghost
(News that’s fake, but credible)
Kierkegaard’s Ghost is privileged to have secured this exclusive interview with Republican Vice Presidential nominee, J.D. Vance by our chief journalistic investigator, Phucker Sharlitan. We thank Mr. Vance and the Donald J. Trump presidential campaign organization for giving him the day off and making this interview possible.
Sharlitan: Let me start, Mr. Vance, by congratulating you on your nomination for vice president at the recent Republican National Convention.
Vance: Thank you, Phucker. It is truly an honor to have been selected by president Trump. We look forward to campaigning together in order to make America great again again.
Sharlitan: Mr. Vance, the lame stream media has made a lot of hay out of a remark you made to the effect that “We’re effectively run in this country—via the Democrats, via our corporate oligarchs—by a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made, and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too.” Did you mean that?
Vance: Look Phucker. That was sarcasm and maybe a little unfair to cat owners. Truth is, I know many married, female cat owners who have plenty of kids and keep their place in the kitchen for traditional families. I know plenty of cats too and I’ve got nothing against them. It’s only the childless ones, the ones that think they don’t need a man to make them happy, the ones that have a notion they can wear pants to a man. They are the ones who are wrecking the American home, effeminating our men and castrating our boys by filling our schools with wok propaganda. It’s only the women who insist on running their own lives and controlling their own bodies that I criticized. I love the rest.
Sharlitan: Well, thank you for clearing that up for us. So, what do you say to those who claim you are trying to turn back the clock for woman and the gains they have made over the last few decades?
Vance: Gains? Let’s face facts. Women were made to be helpmeets for men. They may not realize it, but they will never be happy until they take their place within the traditional family as homemakers. The next Trump administration will work hard to help them achieve the happiness for which they were made. That is what I call a gain.
Sharlitan: So, as I understand it, you and Mr. Trump are championing a bill called the Women’s Voting Protection Act. Can you tell us about that?
Vance: Surely. Currently, state laws provide that people are entitled to a secret ballot. They go into the voting booth, vote and nobody is entitled to influence their vote beforehand or compel them to disclose how they voted afterward. The WVPA would make an exception to that rule in the case of married women. The new law would allow men to accompany their wives into the voting booth to ensure that they vote properly.
Sharlitan: Wow! Don’t you think that is going a bit too far?
Vance: It doesn’t go far enough if you ask me. Truth is, women have no business voting at all. It is too confusing and stressful for them. They would be happier if they didn’t have to vote and, believe me, I would relieve them of that burden if I could. But the damned Nineteenth Amendment prevents us from banning women from voting. So if we cannot stop them from voting, we can ensure that they vote sensibly-at least the married ones.
Sharlitan: Of course, that would leave the childless cat women you are worried about.
Vance: Like I said, the law isn’t perfect. But we think we can reduce significantly the deficit we face in support by women if we make it possible for their men to straighten them out. This isn’t discriminatory. It doesn’t prevent women from voting. It only protects them from foolishly throwing their vote away on the wrong candidates and the wrong positions on important issues, all of which are beyond their understanding.
Sharlitan: Some of your critics have equated your views with those of the Gilead government in Margaret Atwood’s book, The Handmaids Tale.
Vance: That is a bunch of hyperbolic radical leftist hysteria. But look, for the sake of argument, let’s suppose the next Trump administration were to establish a patriarchal, totalitarian theocratic state in which women are forcibly assigned to produce children for a ruling class of men. Would that really be so bad?
Sharlitan: I see your point. At least guys like us could finally get dates.
Vance: And we wouldn’t have to worry ourselves with all the politically correct crap about respecting their careers, accomplishments or their precious bodies. Under the new regime, every man will be a celebrity just like my boss. It’ll just be a matter of kissing them whenever we feel like it and grabbing ‘em by the p#$#y. And no worries about law suits or assault charges.
Sharlitan: Well Mr. Vance, you have given us some inspiring words today. Thanks so much for this interview.
Vance: Pleasure is all mine.
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Peter's Outer Cape Portico 