White House in Damage Control After Trump Hitler Gaffe

 

Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

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To the shock and horror of many across partisan lines, President Donald Trump told a crowd today that Germany’s late war time chancellor, Adolph Hitler “was not really such a bad guy.” The startling comment came during his formal endorsement of Curt Schilling, who is running for congress. Schilling is an outspoken conservative and Breitbart podcast host known for espousing conspiracy theories, white nationalist rhetoric and collecting Nazi memorabilia. In defense of Mr. Schilling in the face of widespread criticism for his seeming Nazi sympathies, Mr. Trump reiterated his point that many Nazis are “very fine people.” He also pointed out that Hitler’s views on race mirror his own preferences for encouraging more immigration from northern European countries like Norway and stemming the flow of immigrants form South America and African nations. When pressed on the dictator’s genocidal policies, Mr. Trump was quick to defend the chancellor. “Look,” he said. “I have every reason to believe Hitler was not really such a bad guy. Did he even know about concentration camps? Germany is a big country. You can’t expect him to know what’s going on in every corner of it.” At that point, the sound system inexplicably shut down and Mr. Trump was whisked away by secret service agents citing unspecific “security concerns.” In a tweet later in the day, Mr. Trump stated that the Holocaust was likely engineered by Hillary Clinton. “Nasty woman,” he said. “Wouldn’t put a thing like that past her.”

Mr. Tump’s remarks drew severe and immediate criticism from Democrats and many organizations such as the Anti-Defamation League, the Southern Poverty Law Center, the NAACP, Amnesty International, the VFW and numerous individuals. Several foreign leaders, including Britain, France, Canada, Germany and the Netherlands also condemned Trump’s statements. Even Israeli prime minister  Benjamin Netanyahu, ordinarily a staunch supporter of Mr. Trump, said that the president’s remarks were “troubling and disappointing.” By contrast, many voices on the far right of the political spectrum applauded the president. “At last,” said National Policy Institute president, Richard Spencer, “our president has found his voice.” David Duke, former grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan also registered approval tweeting, “I always knew he had it in him.”

Republican Congressional leaders are all unavailable for comment. The congressional switchboard on the Republican side of the House of Representatives appears to have been shut down. Reporters have been unable to contact any Senate Republicans. The whereabouts of Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell is currently unknown, though it was reported that a man fitting his description, except for a pair of thick glasses and a mustache, was seen lurking in the Senate coat room. Maine Senator Susan Collins is reportedly holed up in a stall of the woman’s room at her Augusta office and is not responding to inquiries. But White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham addressed reporters this afternoon and emphatically denied that Mr. Trump intended to praise Adolph Hitler. “This is just another example of the liberal press taking one statement of the president and twisting it out of context,” Ms. Grisham said. She then told reporters that a teleprompter malfunction was responsible for the misunderstanding and that the intended words were “Adolf Hitler was such a bad guy.” Ms. Grisham went on to explain that “When the teleprompter breaks down, the president tends to say what he thinks instead of what he means.”

Ken Cuccinelli, the acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, dodged inquiries into the president’s statements about the Nazi dictator, but defended his policy positions on immigration. “We need to protect the cultural character of our country,” he told reporters. “That inscription on the Statue of Liberty welcoming immigrants into the country, it’s not about a lot of diseased, dirty, lazy people who speak gibberish-like the kind we are getting over the border today. It’s about people coming from Europe who speak English and have good jobs.” He went on to explain that plans are being made to eradicate the words “poor huddled masses” from the base of the Statue and replace them with the words, “people who can stand on their own two feet.” Mr. Cuccinelli explained that this new rendering expresses more clearly what poet Emma Lazarus, author of the poetic statement, actually meant. “We don’t want to create the impression that the United States is the dumping ground for the world’s refuse,” he said.

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck

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