The Sordid Truth About Joe Biden Revealed

 

Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

The Ghost was asked by the Donald J. Trump reelection campaign to “dig up dirt” on presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, Joe Biden. Ordinarily, the Ghost strives to maintain strict, nonpartisan objectivity when it comes to our reporting. But with so much at stake in this election and the country teetering on the brink of falling into the hands of liberals eager to confiscate our guns, socialize our medicine, slow down our toilets and take our lightbulbs, we on the Ghost’s staff felt we had no choice but to depart from our usual policy of strict neutrality in the national interest.

Our reporters have unearthed some shocking and disturbing facts about Mr. Biden that we feel the American people have a right to know. When Mr. Biden was in the eighth grade, he served as treasurer for the middle school camera club. We received from an anonymous source documentation showing that in December of that year, there was an $8.14 dollar discrepancy between income and spending. We attempted to interview the faculty advisor for the club, Al Timerz, who now resides at Sunny Side Long Term Care Center in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Mr. Timerz claims not to remember Joe Biden or much else. He insists, however, that there were no instances of embezzlement with the club as far as he could recall. But you have to wonder, how far is that?  He also said that discrepancies such as the ones we described were common and usually resolved through an annual auditing process. We sent an information request to Mr. Biden’s middle school seeking audits of the camara club from 1957, only to be told that the administration does not retain records of student organizations dating back sixty years ago. How very convenient! So where’s the money, Joe?

We have also learned that Mr. Biden opened checking accounts at numerous banks throughout the 60s and 70s, in exchange for which he was richly rewarded with toaster ovens, cannon blankets and electric irons. Looks like the so-called “man of the people” is in bed with the banking business. What else did you get from big money Joe?

We know that on two occasions Mr. Biden and his wife received free breakfasts and spa treatments in exchange for simply attending a time-share promotional event. Interesting, isn’t it? Breakfast and spa treatments without a dime paid. Makes you wonder, where is the quid pro quo? What kind of sweet deal has Joe worked out with the time-share industry? Is the Democratic House looking into any of this?

The Ghost is convinced that, once the American people have been given an opportunity to digest these horrifying disclosures, Mr. Biden’s quest for the White House will be finished. Compared to his trail of slime and corruption, what are Donald Trump’s trivial offenses of sexual assault, treason, obstruction of justice, racial discrimination, consumer fraud, lying to the public and fiscal mismanagement?

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck

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