White House Releases Outline of Republican Health Care Plan

Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

Pressed relentlessly for details of a national health care plan that he has been promising since 2016, President Trump finally announced that he will soon be releasing an outline of the central features for the Republican alternative to the Afordable Care Act commnly known as Obamacare. The Ghost has obtained a draft of the outline from a source who spoke to us on condition of anonymity. A copy of the draft appears below:

 

ROAD MAP TO A HEALTHIER AMERICA

(A Proposal Providing Affordable Health Care for the American People)

From the effective date of this law, all policies of health insurance, whether purchased by employers for their employees or purchased privitely by individuals, shall comply with the following provisions:

Coverage limits: Treatment for all medical conditions, illnesses or injuries will be covered at the discretion of your insurer, subject to a $75,000 annual deductible, a 60% copay and a life time cap of $50,000.   

Authorization for Veterinarians to Treat Medicaid Recipients: We recognize that the poor frequently have difficulty locating physicians and affordable care where they live. Extending the licensure of veterinarians enabling them to treat poor families will significantly increase the availability and lower the costs of care. This is particularly so for rural communities in which there are frequently more animals than people. It makes no sense in these areas to provide costly duplicative coverage. Furthermore, opening veterinary care facilities in urban areas for the treatment of poor families will substantially reduce crowding and staff shortages in our emergency rooms and acute care centers.

Prescription Drug Coverage: There is no need for this. On the whole, most medications are not only ineffective, but some are even harmful. An extensive study produced by Dr. Snae Koil Quack, M.D., distinguished professor at the Trump University Correspondence School of Medicine, demonstrates that elimination of all medications from the body actually increases health and life expectancy. The most obvious example is Insulin. We deplore the shocking increase in dependency upon this highly addictive drug that some people claim they cannot live without. Henceforth, persons claiming to be “diabetic” will be dealt with the same as any other person suffering from addiction. What these people need is to be weaned off this expensive habit.

Addiction Treatment: It is obvious that addiction is a serious problem. It is equally clear that an inordinate amount of time, personnel and money have been thrown into “detoxification,” “counseling” and “rehab” to address this problem to no avail. We believe that re-introduction of the old fashioned “Drunk Tank” in every county jail throughout the country is the best and most cost effective cure for this affliction.

Protection for Persons with Pre-existing Conditions: As promised, we will require insurers to provide coverage for persons with pre-existing conditions. A condition is deemed “pre-existing” if it existed prior to conception. Coverage for such conditions is afforded subject to the above coverage limits and contingent upon proper medical documentation.

Emergency Care: We will require that health insurers cover emergency care and treatment. An “emergency” is defined as a bodily injury, the result of which is likely to be terminal if not treated immediately. Coverage is afforded for “emergencies” after review of an application for emergency treatment submitted to your insurer and approved by a committee of five emergency physicians your insurer has appointed for such review. A decision of the committee shall be provided within fourteen days from receipt of the application. Denials of coverage by the committee may be appealed to the insurer’s review board whose decision shall be final. Transportation to the hospital by ambulance is not covered under this plan, however, your insurer will reimburse your bus fare to and from the emergency room as long as proper documentation is received within twenty-four hours from the date of your alleged emergency.

Surgical Procedures: Your insurer must provide coverage for surgical procedures in accord with the above coverage limits, except the following:

  • Cosmetic Surgery, including treatment of third degree burns; correction of bone irregularities such as scoliosis and bunions; and reconstructive surgery of all kinds.
  • Removal of a bodily organ, limb or other bodily tissue. It is patently unfair to expect employers to subsidize procedures that leave them with employees who are less than what they were when originally hired.
  • Appendectomy: You should have had this taken care of when you had your tonsils out. 

Covid-19: Are you serious??? That is a total hoax! You’re not sick. You just have a case of the sniffles. Man up!

Pregnancy and Child Birth: We do not cover medical expenses related to pregnancy or child birth. You decided to have sex. You deal with the consequences. If you don’t want a baby, get an abortion-but not here. You will need to visit Canada for that-as soon as the border opens up again.

Disability: We provide no relief for disability. You are never going to recover staying at home, lying on the couch and watching TV. If you just kick your butt out of bed, roll up your sleeves and do a good day’s work, you won’t be disabled anymore. Problem solved.  

Several Republicans have praised the plan as both efficient and economical. Said Senate Majority leader, Mitch McConnell, “This should silence forever the Democrat party complaint that Republicans have no plan.” Mark Meadows, the president’s chief of staff told reporters, “In one short piece of legislation we have solved easily and cheaply problems Democrats have been fumbling with for decades!”  Not every member of the GOP was as laudatory, however. Senator Rand Paul registered his opposition. “It is morally reprehensible that we are throwing even this relatively modest funding into health care, which is not even a right, while we have corporate citizens who are starving for more tax breaks.”

No word yet on whether the proposed legislation will be introduced before the election on November 3rd.

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck

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