Kierkegaard’s Ghost
(News that’s fake, but credible)
Former White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders is suing the devil, seeking to rescind her contract with him. A multi-count complaint filed in the United States District Court for the District of Arkansas alleges that Satan procured Ms. Sanders’ signature on their contract through duress and failed to fulfill his own obligations under its terms. “Bottom line,” said Sanders, “I want my soul back.” She further explained, “When I first took on the job of White House press secretary, I was desperate. My predecessors had all failed both to satisfy the president and represent him in a positive light to the public. I had no idea how I could possibly do this job and I didn’t know where to turn. When Satan offered me supernatural powers of persuasion in return for my soul, it seemed like an offer I could not refuse at the time. Of course, I realize now that it was a bad decision.”
Ms. Sanders’ attorney, I.M.A. Pettifog of the law firm Shyster & Pettifog, Esqs., told reporters he is confident the district court will declare the contract null and void. “It is a long standing principle of equity that contracts procured through duress may be declared unenforceable. We think there is little doubt the judge will find that Satan employed duress and exercised undue pressure against Ms. Sanders in the making of this contract.” Mr. Pettifog went on to point out that, even assuming the contract is held to be otherwise valid and enforceable, it must be rescinded because the devil failed to perform his obligations under its terms. “My client relied in good faith on the devil’s promise to give her extraordinary powers of persuasion so that she could do her job effectively. Yet after two years of diligent effort on her part, the president’s approval rating is in the thirty percentile range. Public support for his impeachment continues to grow. Satan didn’t come through with his end of the bargain. It’s as simple as that. It’s not for nothing they call him ‘father of lies.’”
The Prince of Darkness has denied all allegations of the complaint through his attorney, Rudy Giuliani. “Duress?” said Giuliani. “What happened with this contract is no different than what goes on every day in this country. One person has what another person needs and is willing to pay for. So they make a deal. That might be called duress in failing socialist regimes like Venezuela, California and Massachusetts. But here in America we call it capitalism.” Giuliani also took issue with the claim that his client breached his contract with Sanders: “Look, Ms. Sanders undertook a tough job. She had to follow Donald Trump like a clown behind the horses in the 4th of July parade picking up his droppings. Then she had to sell them back to the American people as fudge. Now you can say what you want about opposition to the president, but he still has between 30%-40% approval. I think any jury would agree that the fact she managed to get a third of the American people to gobble up manure for two years- convinced all the while they are eating chocolate-that’s pretty strong evidence of superhuman persuasive ability. Not infallible maybe, but infallible was not in the contract.”
Some legal experts have questioned the propriety of Mr. Giuliani’s representation of Satan in this matter. “He represents President Donald Trump whose interests could, at least potentially, conflict with those of the devil in this litigation,” said Professor Oblit. R. Dictum, formerly an instructor of legal ethics at the now defunct Trump Correspondence School of Law. Giuliani dismissed these concerns. “Ridiculous,” he told reporters. “You have a conflict of interest only when you represent two clients with different legal interests. The interests of both my clients are and always have been perfectly aligned.”
No trial date has yet been set.
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Peter's Outer Cape Portico 