It’s Official: Donald Trump Doesn’t Lie

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Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

Kayleigh McEnany, President Donald Trump’s campaign national press secretary, told Chris Cuomo of CNN today that the president has never lied to the country. “In fact,” she said, “thousands of Arabs did take to the streets of Jersey City to celebrate when the twin towers fell on September 11, 2001; Barak Obama was not born in the United States; noise from windmills does cause cancer; and the colonial army did have airplanes in the Revolutionary War. These are all true statements when placed in their proper context. The trouble is, you take what the president says out of the context of what he means and put it on the news. That, of course, makes the president look stupid.”  “Under what context could any of those assertions be true?” Cuomo asked. “Exactly!” McEnany replied. “None of us knows the context President Trump had in mind when he said those things. So how dare you accuse him of lying?” Mr. Cuomo reportedly left work immediately following the interview complaining of a severe headache.

Presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway reiterated Ms. McEnany’s assertion. She, too, expressed the view that the media “picks and chooses” among Mr. Trump’s statements in its ceaseless efforts to mislead the public with “fake news.” “Nobody loves the truth more than Donald Trump,” she told reporters later today. “The president loves the truth so much that he isn’t content to serve it up as is. He cares enough about the truth to embellish it, to make it attractive enough for people to accept.” So, too, White House press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, explained at a press conference that “truth isn’t about facts. It’s about what those facts mean. And if you want to get to the meaning of truth, sometimes you have to change the facts.” For the first time in recorded history, reporters remained silent at the close of the press secretary’s remarks, seemingly unable to come up with any follow up questions. Many were seen attempting to replay Ms. Grisham’s remarks on their recording devices. “Did we really just hear that?” one was heard to whisper.

Evangelical leaders, staunch supporters of the president, agree on this point. Said the Rev. Franklin Graham, “We all know that the miraculous election of Donald Trump proves he is God’s agent. What God’s agent says has to be true. So even if something wasn’t true before Donald Trump said it, it becomes truth in his mouth.” His colleague, Jerry Falwell, president of Liberty University, concurred. “There’s too much emphasis on truth these days,” he said. “What we need is more faith. If Donald Trump says it, true Christians should believe it and that should settle it. It isn’t for us to question the words of God’s chosen.”

At the end of the day, President Trump himself weighed in, asserting by way of a tweet, “I’m a very honest guy. Everyone would see that if the dems and the media would just stop printing all the things I say for the fact checkers to pick apart.”

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck

3 thoughts on “It’s Official: Donald Trump Doesn’t Lie

    1. It is so wonderful that you grasp how fortunate America is to have our gracious Supreme Leader ,Mr. Donald J.Trump share some of his precious time solving all of the worlds unsolvable problems.
      As you should expect, worldwide appreciation for our supreme leaders genius and negotiating skill has caused every newborn to be named Donald, even the girls.

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