President Activates DPA for Production of Tanning Salons as Poisonings by Ingestion of Household Cleansers Spike

Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

See the source imageThe White House announced today that President Trump is invoking the Defense Production Act for the mass production of tanning salons to treat corona virus infection. Presidential press secretary Kayleigh McEnany told reporters today that the president is becoming increasingly impatient with the slow pace of progress toward developing treatments and vaccines for covid-19.  “The president believes we can substantially cure covid-19 patients if we simply expose them to high levels of ultraviolet radiation” said McEnany. She went on to explain that the administration has determined that far too much taxpayer money has been wasted on equipment such as respiratory ventilators, masks and field hospitals. “If we hit the body with a tremendous, whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light, we can kill the virus without drugs, hospital beds, oxygen or any of the other expensive gadgets these state governors keep asking for. All we need is tanning salons.” McEnany pointed out that Florida has already put this strategy into practice merely by opening its beaches. “All they have to do now is take all the sunblock off the shelves.”

Earlier today in one of his many press briefings relative to the coronavirus pandemic, President Donald Trump advocated the use of ultraviolet light as well as common cleaning agents for the treatment of covid-19 patients. “Look,” he told reporters, “this isn’t rocket science. We know bleach kills the virus on contact. So all we need to do is get the bleach inside whoever is infected. We have the cure right under the kitchen sink. So why are we paying all these clowns in white coats?”

The president’s remarks were met with skepticism by most Democrats and outright criticism by medical experts throughout the country. Though the Ghost has reached out to acting Homeland Security Secretary Chad Wolf for comment, no reply has been received to date. We also attempted to interview NIAID Director Anthony Fauci. Our reporters pursued the doctor into the men’s lavatory of the press room but could not locate him. Our investigators reported, however, that some violent head banking was heard from within one of the stalls along with words to the effect of “I hate my f@#$ing job!”

Meanwhile, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has reported a steep increase in cases of domestic poisoning over the last twenty-four hours that appears to have been caused by ingestion of household cleaning products. “We are monitoring the situation closely and trying to get a handle on the demographics involved,” said CDC Director Robert Ray Redfield Jr. “At this time, it appears to be primarily a “red state” phenomenon.”

Note: The CDC wishes to emphasize that it is an extremely bad idea to ingest soap, bleach and other household cleaning materials.


FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck

1 thought on “President Activates DPA for Production of Tanning Salons as Poisonings by Ingestion of Household Cleansers Spike

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