Former President and Others Implicated in 1/6/21 Insurection Run for Legal Cover as Impeachment Trial Approaches

Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

Since the failed insurrection of January 6, 2021, former president Donald J. Trump and everyone implicated in lawsuits arising from that event are running for legal cover.

Donald Trump is expected to deny all responsibility for the insurrection. “I never dreamed that crowd would become violent,” he told our reporters. “When I told them to march to the capital and fight, when Rudy called for trial by combat, I just expected they would peacefully link arms in front of the Capital building, light candles and sing ‘We Shall Overcome,'” Mr. Trump said. “How could I have known they would trash the place?”

The former president is expected to receive support from at least two prominent senators in his trial before the United States Senate. Senator Ted Cruz told Ghost reporters, “I stood by my president when he called my dad an assassin and said my wife was ugly. You think I’m going to desert him over a lousy little coup attempt?” So, too, Senator Josh Hawley declared, “Look, seventy million people believed Donald Trump when he told them the election was stolen. I don’t know about you, but where I come from, when somebody steals something from you, you go and take it back.” The former president’s legal team is confident Mr. Trump will be acquitted in his trial before the Senate. “It’s not like we have to persuade twelve impartial jurors of ordinary intelligence,” said Trump attorney, David Schoen. “We only need to give a little bit of political cover to fifty Republican senators.”

A number of persons arrested in connection with the storming of the Capital intend to argue that they were authorized by the former president to take over the Capital and lynch former Vice President Mike Pence. “We intend to argue that our clients were only following the orders of their president,” said Albert Watkins, attorney for Jacob Chansley, the infamous “QAnon Shaman. “I know that defense didn’t work so well at Nuremburg,” he added. “But it’s not like these people are Nazis. Well OK. They kind of are Nazis-but in a nice way.”

Fox News, which is facing lawsuits for falsely promoting baseless assertions of widespread election fraud, is denying liability. Said Fox’s CEO Suzanne Scott, “Hey, we fired Lou Dobbs as soon as we found out that the ‘stolen election’ narrative was a lie-well, shortly after we found out. Anyway, we fired him as soon as we got sued!”

Former New York Mayor and sometime attorney for former President Trump, Rudy Giuliani, who is facing a multi-million dollar defamation suit, likewise denied any wrongdoing. “I never claimed that Dominion voting machines were manufactured and designed by a dead guy in the jungle to flip the election for Joe Biden!” he said. “That was totally Sidney Powell.” Further distancing himself from Powell, Giuliani went on to say, “I never bought into her ridiculous and far fetched nonsense. I have maintained all along that Joe Biden’s election victory was engineered by corrupt election officials using electronic impulses generated over the internet to jolt dead people back to life and steer them into polling stations. And I’ve got documented proof of that!”

Sidney Powell claims that there is no evidence of defamatory statements on her part and adamantly maintains that her lawsuits on the former president’s behalf challenging the 2020 election were meritorious. “Just because sixty judges threw president Trump’s election lawsuits out of court doesn’t mean they are baseless,” Ms. Powell told our reporters. “I know there has got to be a judge out there that will see things our way.” She went on to explain that “there are thousands of judges in this country, but if you quit after going to only sixty, you haven’t even scratched the surface.” She went on to say that, “if we’d been given enough time to keep on suing, I know we’d have scored.”

Stay tuned with the Ghost to stay on top of further developments.

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck

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