Russian President Declares Red States Indepenent Nations

(News that’s fake, but credible)

In a hastily called meeting with the Russian Duma held early this morning, Russian president Vladimir Putin declared all “red” states, that is, states of the United States leaning Republican, to be “sovereign independent nations.” Pointing out that all of these states had been wrongfully annexed by an illegitimate regime installed by means of a stolen election, Mr. Putin said that the imperiled status of these newly formed nations justified Russian intervention on their behalf. “In fact,” he told reporters, “I have received requests for military support and assistance from the president of the new confederation of red states in Mar a Logo.”

While the White House angrily denounced the move and threatened severe consequences in the event of any Russian troop deployments within the borders of the United States, the U.S. Congress is clearly divided on the issue along party lines. Minority leader, Mitch McConnel, downplayed any threat from Russia. “Back in 2016, Mr. Putin assisted me in giving us the greatest Republican president this country has ever had,” McConnell said. “I’ve worked with him before and I’m sure I can work with him again.” Senator Ted Cruz spoke in support of the planned Russian support mission. “President Putin is a friend of America. He only wants to restore the properly elected president,” he said. “That’s a good thing.” He went on to say, “All this talk about Russia coming in and establishing a confederacy type regime and re-instituting Jim Crow is nothing but a bunch of liberal hysteria. But even if it were true,” he added “would that really be so bad?”

House Republican leader, Kevin McCarthy agreed. “If we can’t win the White House through elections or insurrection, what else can we do but seek foreign assistance?” Representative Marjorie Taylor Green told a room full of reporters that Russia posed no threat whatsoever. “You pressies and the libs have manufactured this fake crisis to draw attention away from Hillary Clinton’s and George Soros’ global child porn business. Don’t you care about those children locked up in the basements of pizza parlors all over the country? And what about the very real threat of Jewish lazer beams?” she snapped. “Why don’t you clowns ever cover that?”

Not all Republicans are on board with Mr. Putin’s generous offer of support, however. Senator Susan Collins of Maine released a very clear statement of indecision. “While I cannot imagine supporting Russian troops in an effort to occupy territory belonging to the United States, I cannot rule out lending my support either. I will have to review all the relevant facts and my horoscope before making a final decision.”   

Stay tuned for further developments.


FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck

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