Trump Applauds Saudi Leader as Ally in the War on Media

The Ghost of Kierkegaard

(News that’s fake, but credible)

President Donald Trump had nothing but praise this morning for Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman. Notwithstanding his denials, the crown prince has been implicated in the brutal murder and dismemberment of Washington Post journalist, Jamal Khashoggi. “He [bin Salman] says he didn’t do it and doesn’t know anything about it,” Trump told reporters today. “That’s good enough for me.” But he went on to say that, even if bin Salman were involved, “Good for him. Hey, any guy that can do a journalist like that, he’s my guy.”

Notwithstanding pressure in congress for strong sanctions against Saudi Arabia in response to Khashoggi’s killing, the president expressed reluctance to sanction the Saudi’s. “I have a strong relationship with the crown prince,” he said. “Mr. bin Salman, along with my good friends Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un, is a strong ally in our war against the media. You know, none of these leaders’ countries have a free press. But look how well they run their governments! When Kim Jong Un speaks, his people snap to attention. I wish the American people were that disciplined. And they would be if the press were more disciplined. But the press is totally out of control. That has to end. You don’t hear the Russian press saying bad things about President Putin. In Russia, the press is under control-like it should be here-instead of being the enemy of the people.”

When confronted with the President’s remarks later today at a press conference, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained that the President has no intention of limiting press freedom. “The president firmly believes in the freedom of the press,” Huckabee Sanders insisted. “He was calling enemies only those news organizations reporting ‘fake news.’” She pointed out that there are several news organizations loyal to the president like Fox News and Breitbart that will always be free to print or broadcast whatever they wish. “News organizations that report fairly and in an unbiased manner the president’s spectacular success in reviving the economy, restoring America’s place of leadership in the world community and his stellar moral character have nothing to fear from this president,” she said. Counselor to the president, Kellyanne Conway agreed. “If the press wants freedom, all it has to do is start reporting some alternative facts.”

Meanwhile, the president’s allies staunchly defended his position. Rev. Franklin Graham dismissed the mainstream media as an instrument of the devil, left wing propaganda, terrorism and, worst of all, the Democratic party. Tony Perkins of the Family Research council agreed. “They all work for the Democrats who are allied with atheistic, God-denying, America hating scientists who think we all came from a bunch of monkeys and that a little coal dust is going to destroy the earth.” He further pointed out that all the truth we need was written into the Bible hundreds or even thousands of years before being recorded elsewhere. “So who says we need the press to help us find the truth?”

Senator Mitch McConnell echoed these sentiments, saying, “The mainstream media is an instrument of left wing radicals bent on conducting a smear campaign against the president’s agenda.” He went on to complain about the press’s coverage of his own plans to subsidize the recently passed corporate tax cuts with spending cuts to Medicare, Medicaid and health care generally. “When the general public gets wind of what I’m up to, I can’t even sit down to a quiet meal in a restaurant anymore. Wherever I go, somebody is getting on my case about their sick children, poor relatives and hungry neighbors-like I give a damn!” He concluded by remarking, “I just wish those busy body reporters would leave me alone and let me do the work I need to do for  my real constituents, the ones that finance my campaign.”

FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen. “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck,

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