Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

Yet another transcript of President Donald Trump’s telephone correspondence with a foreign leader has surfaced, this time with Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau. The Ghost received a copy of the transcript from a source within the administration who wishes to remain anonymous.

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT

Trudeau: Good morning Mr. President! To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?

Trump: Well, I just wanted to tell you that the new NAFTA provisions are ready to go into effect.

Trudeau: Wonderful! So, when can we expect to see tariffs on Canadian goods lifted?

Trump: Soon-but we need you to do us a favor though…

Trudeau: Oh no, Mr. President. I don’t have any dirt on the Bidens. And even if I did, I’m just not in a position….

Trump: Relax Justin. It’s not about getting dirt. I just need your help with something.

Trudeau: What do you want from me!

Trump: You do black face, right?

Trudeau: Now look. I explained all of that. I used bad judgment and I apologized. End of story. For you to be bringing that up again is…is this some kind of trap? Are you really Donald Trump? Are you just some hack trying to smear me?

Trump: Justin! I said relax. It’s really me. And believe me, it is just you and me on the line. After that Ukraine karphufal I kicked everybody off my calls. Nobody is listening in to this. I promise. But like I said, I need your help.

Trudeau: So what do you want?

Trump: I need you to stand behind me at my next rally-in black face.

Trudeau: You can’t be serious.

Trump: I’m dead serious. I have to knock out this fake news line about me being a racist. I have to show everyone that black people like me. I’ve got some big rallies coming up. I need some black faces up on the stage with me. Believe me, I have been trying to find some. But since that whole thing in Minneapolis, you know, with the cops and all, it’s been impossible. I’ve tried everything. These folks can’t be bought! I almost had a deal with Macy’s to send me a dozen black mannequins. But when they found out why I wanted them, they pulled out. I threatened them with the DPA, but they wouldn’t budge. I begged Governor Northam to help me out, but he refused. So much for bipartisanism! You’re my last hope, Justin. You need to help me, you know, make it look like I think black lives matter.

Trudeau: Out of the question.

Trump: Come on, Justin! All you have to do is put on your paint, stand behind me, smile and clap. Nobody will recognize you.

Trudeau: No can do, Mr. President.

Trump: Well, OK. But I can’t promise you’ll be seeing those tariffs come down anytime soon. You know how it is, we have to review these things and that can take time.

Trudeau: Mr. President, that is entirely improper! It’s against the law!

Trump: So impeach me. It worked so well the first time! I got Mitch McConnell in my back pocket and he has the Senate in his. Fact is, I can do whatever I want-like shoot someone on Fifth Avenue-and there are no consequences.

Trudeau: Mr. President, you will never get away with this!

Trump: So long, loser.

END TRANSCRIPT

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck