Kierkegaard’s Ghost
(News that’s fake, but credible)
The Ghost’s newest commentator, Phucker Sharlitan, recently had the opportunity to interview Congressman George Santos. Mr. Santos was questioned extensively on his extraordinary record and responded with answers and information we here at the Ghost can verify absolutely with a low confidence level.
Sharlitan: It’s a pleasure having the opportunity to interview you and give you an opportunity to respond to the scurrilous and inflammatory accusations made against you by the Democrat party and the lame stream media. And now we hear that you are under congressional investigation. How does it make you feel to have so much unjustified criticism coming your way?
Santos: I don’t let it get to me, Phucker. I always say that when they go low, I go high.
Sharlitan: A lot of people attribute that saying to Michelle Obama.
Santos: Yes, but she got it from me. I was the ghost writer for her books and speeches. I also wrote for Barack. Ever heard of Audacity of Hope? That was essentially my work.
Sharlitan: Wait! You worked for a Democrat?
Santos: You bet. Just goes to show that I can work in a bipartisan fashion. My experience goes far beyond my financial savvy. In the military, I fought side by side with people of every race, class and background.
Sharlitan: You were in the military?
Santos: Yes, I served with the United States Marines during the second world war. I fought in the battle of Iwo Jima. Ever seen that memorial at Arlington of the marines raising the American flag? I’m the third one in.
Sharlitan: You never mentioned that in your memoirs.
Santos: Well, if I tried to fit all of my accomplishments into one book, it would take several volumes. At some point, you have to leave room for a sequel. But my military record was known to Barack Obama. That’s why he called on me to lead the seal team that took out Osama Bin Laden. Taking him out with a single shot was one of the high points of my military career.
Sharlitan: I thought that was Robert O’Neill.
Santos: Well, Rob thinks he fired the kill shot and I never bothered to correct him. I mean, the guy’s got serious self esteem issues. He needed this more than I did. But since you bring it up, I feel I have to correct the record. You know, the truth is very important to me.
Sharlitan: Well, I must say it was mighty generous of you to keep that quiet for so long, George. It takes real humility to forego the glory that goes with taking down the most notorious terrorist of the century.
Santos: Humility is one of my finest attributes, Phucker.
Sharlitan: So of all your great accomplishments, which would you say is the one you are most proud of?
Santos: I have a lot of good work about which I am extremely proud. But the achievement that has given me the most satisfaction was my death on the cross for the salvation of the world.
Sharlitan: Jesus Christ! Was that you, too?
Santos: And they question my Jewish roots. Go figure.
Sharlitan: That was indeed a great accomplishment!
Santos: Yes, well, as I said when I first stepped out onto the surface of the moon, ‘One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind.’
Sharlitan: Well, it has been a pleasure interviewing you, George.
Santos: Pleasure is all mine, Phucker. Thanks for giving me the chance to set the record straight.
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Peter's Outer Cape Portico 