The Ghost of Kierkegaard
(News that’s fake, but credible)
A group of Evangelical leaders, including the Rev. Franklin Graham, CEO of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, Jerry Falwell, Jr., president of Liberty University, Rev. Robert Jeffress consultant to President Donald Trump, and Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family recently issued a call for the resignation of Jesus of Nazareth. “We believe the time has come for Jesus to step down,” the statement declares. “We mean no disrespect toward Jesus,” Rev. Franklin Graham explained. “But the church today needs a leader who is willing to speak an uncompromising word against homosexuality, same sex marriage and abortion. Jesus has never spoken a word on any of these issues. We need a leader who is not afraid to stand up for Christian values like border security, national defense and capital punishment. Jesus is soft on every one of those critical issues.” Rev. Jeffrees agreed, pointing out that Jesus has never stood up for the second amendment and has even made statements that undermine the right of the people to bear arms. “God’s not an open borders kind of guy,” he said. “So how are we supposed to keep your borders closed by ‘putting up our swords'”?
Additionally, his critics claim that Jesus takes harsh and draconian positions in areas calling for sensitivity and understanding. “For example,” says Tony Perkins, “Jesus is on record stating that ‘whoever divorces his wife and marries another has committed adultery with her.’ That’s entirely too severe,” said Perkins. “A man can expect to go through a few wives in his lifetime and he ought to get a mulligan or two on that score.” He went on to say, “I mean, marriage is no big deal-unless it’s same sex marriage. Then, of course, it’s an abomination.”
Perkins also took issue with Jesus’ admonition to “turn the other cheek” when stricken. “That’s bull!” said Perkins. “Look, you only have two cheeks, right? How often are you supposed to turn them? Jesus clearly doesn’t understand terrorism or the threat posed by liberals who mock us true Christians, bully us and deprive us of our rights. Doesn’t he realize we have the second amendment for a reason?” Dr. Dobson pointed out that Jesus has shown decidedly socialist tendencies in exhorting his followers to “sell their possessions and give alms,” noting that such “give-aways,” however well intended, destroy the incentives of the poor to better themselves by fostering dependency. “That,” he maintains, “is a leading reason for the erosion of family values.”
When asked who might succeed Jesus, Mr. Falwell didn’t hesitate. “We may have our new savior sitting in the White House this very moment. No one can dispute that Donald Trump’s election was a miracle of God. God has shown us who his real son is.” When confronted with Mr. Trump’s seeming moral failures, Falwell replied, “Look, God called King David a man after God’s own heart even though he was an adulterer and a murderer. Donald Trump is only one of those. That makes him twice as fit as David. Really, who would you rather see on the throne of David? A liberal snowflake like Jesus or a principled conservative like Donald Trump?” So, too, Graham said that Donald Trump has been a “champion” for Christians in the United States. “Who is like the Donald?” he said, “Who can fight against him?” His colleagues concurred.
For his part, President Trump expressed openness to accepting the office of Jesus. Tweeting in response to the above mentioned statement, Mr. Trump stated: “I would make a great savior of the world. I’m best qualified for Job. Jesus is huge disappointment. Three years. Just got killed. What has he given us. Says take up the cross. Sad.” When pressed on this statement by reporters, Mr. Trump replied, “Look, Jesus says the least are the greatest. That’s loser talk. I’m not a loser. Believers shouldn’t be losers either. As savior, I will see to it that Christians win for a change. In fact, they’ll win so much they will get sick of winning. No Christian will suffer under my watch.”
FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen. In the words of John Steinbeck, “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.”