Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

First Lady Melania Trump is teaming up with the National Rifle Association (NRA) to combat bullying in American schools. “Best Shot” or simply “BS” is the name for this new initiative that would provide for distribution of fire arms to all middle school and high school students. Ms. Trump explained that she wants to see young people “be best” in everything-including marksmanship. “Good girl, good boy, good shot,” she told reporters. The president has given his full support to the first lady, promising to veto any legislation that would limit the full, free and unrestricted circulation of fire arms to the largest number of people. “Guns don’t need to be controlled,” he said at a recent rally, “people need to be controlled.”

Officials at the NRA lauded the initiative and pledged the full support of their organization. “The concept is as simple as it is effective,” said NRA representative Dana Loesch. “Nobody is going to bully anyone else where everyone is packing. Even a ninety-eight-pound weakling can pull a trigger.” NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre concurred, adding that “it has long been known that the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. So more guns for more kids means less bad guys on the playground and less bullying.” For the time being, BS will be confined to middle school and high school settings. “We recognize that a kindergartner would have difficulty managing a fire arm,” said Loesch. “But R&D is working on smaller, light weight fire arms made of plastic material,” she added. “Soon we will have small but lethal guns that fit easily into lunch boxes and backpacks. It is only a matter of time until our BS spreads to elementary schools as well.”

Critics object that children under the age of 18 are forbidden by law to own or carry fire arms in most states. LaPierre brushed these concerns off. “We are not particularly worried about restrictive legislation. We happen to own more than half the Senate and the House of Representatives. We have the resources to buy whatever laws we need.” NRA president Oliver North also does not believe that legal hurtles will hinder the implementation of BS. “I have extensive experience getting guns into the hands of people that aren’t supposed to have them,” he said. Ms. Trump expressed the view that her initiative would meet with broad political and public support. “We want to make school safe,” she said. “Who’s against that?”

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen. In the words of John Steinbeck, “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.”