Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

Today Rev. Franklin Graham, CEO of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, unveiled the Alt-right Revised Bible, a fresh translation of Holy Writ revising substantially the New Testament cannon long recognized by the church as authoritative. “When I finally got around to actually reading the Bible, I was shocked and appalled at what I found there,” said Graham. He went on to say that he was particularly distressed by many of the things Jesus is reported to have said. “I think Jesus was basically a good person, but I think he was swayed and given a lot of bad information by the liberal media.” Graham went on to point out that his New Alt-right Revised Bible is not really a departure from the original. “As I see it,” said Graham, “we are simply putting into the Bible what Jesus would have said if he had had access to accurate news and wise counsel. There was no Fox News in the first century.”

Other evangelical leaders praised the new Bible as a significant improvement over the original. Said Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, “This Bible gives us a Savior we can respect instead of a weakling who tells us to ‘turn the other cheek.’” Jerry Falwell, Jr., President of Liberty University, Rev. Robert Jeffress, consultant to President Donald Trump, and Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family concurred. “It’s a Bible that I think our president and Republican leaders can really get behind,” said Jeffress.

Here are a few of the revisions found in the Alt-Right Revised Bible:

When Jesus then lifted up his eyes, and saw a great company come unto him, he saith unto Philip, Whence shall we buy bread, that these may eat? And this he said to prove him: for he himself knew what he would do. Philip answered him, Two hundred pennyworth of bread is not sufficient for them, that every one of them may take a little. One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, saith unto him, There is a lad here, which hath five barley loaves, and two small fishes: but what are they among so many? And Jesus said, Make the men sit down. Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, in number about five thousand. And Jesus took the loaves; and when he had given thanks, he distributed to the disciples, and the disciples to them that were set down; and likewise of the fishes as much as they would. Yea, verily thou speakest truly, Andrew. We must feed ourselves with this bread which by our labor hath been honestly earned. Let us not give it freely to the crowd lest we go hungry and their incentive to support themselves be destroyed.

And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, If thou wilt, thou canst make me clean. And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, I will; be thou clean. said unto him, Nay, I would not. Knowest thou not that health care is not a right and that thou art not entitled to anything from him that supporteth himself and that payest his fair share of tax?

For a certain woman, whose young daughter had an unclean spirit, heard of him, and came and fell at his feet: The woman was a Greek, a Syrophenician by nation; and she besought him that he would cast forth the devil out of her daughter. But Jesus said unto her, Let the children first be filled: for it is not meet to take the children’s bread, and to cast it unto the dogs. And she answered and said unto him, Yes, Lord: yet the dogs under the table eat of the children’s crumbs. And he said unto her, For this saying go thy way; the devil is gone out of thy daughter. not even the crumbs shall be given to thee, O woman of a hostile nation proven to be a haven of terrorists. If thy daughter perish, what is that to us? My nation first.

And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. shall be entitled to a mulligan; and he that shall put away his second wife shall be entitled to a mulligan; and he that committeth adultery against his third wife shall be entitled to yet another mulligan. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.

When they which were about him saw what would follow, they said unto him, Lord, shall we smite with the sword?  And one of them smote the servant of the high priest, and cut off his right ear. And Jesus answered and said, Suffer ye thus far. And he touched his ear, and healed him. Yea, verily, strike ye hard. For well thou knowest that the only way to stop an evil person with a sword is a good person with a sword.

In addition to the revisions, there will be several amendments addressing issues that Jesus failed to discuss. These include condemnation of abortion, same sex marriage, socialism, feminism, liberalism and other abominations. Look for the Alt-right Revised Bible to appear on book shelves soon.

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen. In the words of John Steinbeck, “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.”