(News that’s fake, but credible)
The Ghost has just obtained another White House telephone call transcript from a source who does not wish to be identified. The call appears to be between President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin. The transcribed conversation is reprinted below:
Putin: Donald! I just had to call to congratulate you on your acquittal in the United States Senate.
Trump: Yes. Well, the whole thing was a hoax and a witch hunt. I knew it would turn out all right. But it was a little dicey for awhile. Some of those senators-you know. They were starting to cave. But Mitch, he held them all together.
Putin: Ah, Mitch. How is my good friend and most valuable asset?
Trump: Mitch is good. Never better-we’ve had our ups and downs, him and me. Like I said, I was a little worried that some of those senators might break rank. Hate to think of what might have happened then.
Putin: Silly Donald. You were never in any danger. Do you think I would stand by and let you be removed from power? Trust me, Donald. We in the Kremlin will always have your back. Now, about the transfer of Alaska…
Trump: Ah, yes. Well, I’m working on that. It will be ready for occupancy by Russia soon. Real soon. But we need you to do us a favor, though.
Putin: I know, I know. Dirt on Joe Biden. I have my people working on that…
Trump: Actually, Vladimir, I need something a little bigger than that. I need you to take out Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren and Pete Buttigieg.
Putin: Like, how “take out?”
Trump: Like take ‘em out. Like waste ‘em. Like, you know…
Putin: You want me to assassinate your political opponents?
Trump: Not you personally. I mean, you know people who handle jobs like that, right? Only it’s got to look like, I don’t know-an accident maybe…or wait! Make it look like Islamic terrorists did it!
Putin: Donald! I’m so proud of you! Now you think like real leader! Like strong man! But this is big job. Lot’s of complications. People who handle things like this, they don’t come cheap. I’m not sure Alaska covers it. You know, you people already took most of the gold out of it.
Trump: OK Vladimir. Here’s the deal. Do me this favor and I’ll throw in Washington State, Oregon and California.
Putin: Very generous of you, Donald.
Trump: Well, it’s good for both of us. I know you people always wanted a warm water port. With this deal, you get a whole coast line full of them. Plus, those are all blue states. When they are gone, that will cement my majority in the Senate and put a huge dent in the Democrat House majority. Oh yes, and when you move into California, that nasty woman, Nancy Pelosi, I wouldn’t mind if you “made her go through some things,” if you know what I mean.
Putin: I know exactly what you mean, Donald. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We need to, how do you Americans say, “seal the deal.” I need writing.
Trump: Call Rudy-you know-Rudy Giuliani. He handles the paperwork for me-and a lot of other stuff too. You can also call-ah, the Attorney General. He doesn’t like me to mention his name in my phone calls. Got real pissed when I did that with whats-his-name, you know, the guy from Ukraine. But his first name rhymes with kill and his last name rhymes with far. Oops! Gotta go. Just got a text from ICE. My border wall is falling over! Later!
Putin: Be well Donald.
The president’s press secretary refused to comment on the transcript, but Senator Mitch McConnell shrugged it off. “So what?” he told our reporter. “We’ve been through all this before. The president believes that his re-election is in the interest of our country. If unloading a bunch of useless real estate and terminating his Democrat rivals ensures his re-election, he can do that under Article 2 of the United States Constitution.” Senator Lindsey Graham agreed. “I sure hope the Democrat party isn’t thinking about another try at impeachment. That whole charade was just a damn lynching-not that I’ve got anything against lynching, mind you. It’s part of my proud southern legacy. But President Trump isn’t the colo-I mean the kind of man you lynch!” Phone calls to the office of Attorney General William Barr were not returned.
FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen. “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck