Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

Spike Swindell, well known for his manufacture and sale of pet pillows, toilet seat cushions and conspiracy theories, announced today that he is expanding his business into the hot new field of alternative currencies with his new product, “My Money.” Unlike so many other such financial products, however, his is not based in cyberspace. “This isn’t crypto currency,” said Swindell, “you know, that imaginary money you can erase with a key stroke. This is real money, paper money you can hold in your hand, put in your wallet or take to the bank-well, my bank anyway. And you get $200 dollars just for being in the game!”

The concept is simple according to Swindell. “You give me your money and I give you mine.” Swindell, an honors graduate of Trump University School of Economics, claims that his currency is more valuable and safer than the U.S. dollar. “My Money is not under the control of the corrupt banking system run by deep state operatives on the Federal Reserve,” he said. “Its value is determined by the market and the market alone-with a little help from my bank.” He went on to point out that his new currency opens up endless opportunities for investment not available anywhere else. “We have a wide range of properties ready for purchase and development,” he told our Ghost  reporter. “While our high end properties, like Boardwalk and Park Place, are probably out of reach for the average investor, we also have more moderately priced lots on Mediterranean and Baltic Avenues. What’s more,” he went on to say, “all of our properties have tremendous development potential. A hotel built on Baltic Avenue can generate profits in multiples of your original investment.”

Investment opportunities are not limited to real estate. Swindell explained that My Money opens up channels for buying into utilities and railroads as well. “And the best part about it,” said Swindell, “you can rest assured that the deep state EPA won’t try to regulate what you do with your property. The FBI won’t raid your houses or hotels. The Department of Transportation won’t meddle with your trains.  You don’t pay any taxes either-unless you happen to land in the wrong place at the wrong time.” When asked whether his operations are strictly legal, Swindell hedged. “Well, we skate pretty close to the limits of the law. And sometimes we go over. Sure, you can end up in jail playing this game. But just like everywhere else in America, you can buy your way out if you have the funds. Why, with the right connections, we can get you out of jail scott-free. It’s kind of like a presidential pardon.”

Many high profile investors have praised My Money. “It’s as sure a thing as my win in 2020” said former president Donald J. Trump. “It’s as solid as my border wall,” declared former presidential strategist Steve Bannon. “It’s as genuine as my sheriff’s badge,” said Georgia senatorial candidate Herschel Walker. My Money will soon be availabe for purchase in bars, seedy hotels, outside porn shops and wherever else its agent, Rudy Giuliani, can be found.

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck