Mitch McConnell to Hold Prompt Vote on Confirmation of Trump Supreme Court Nominee-Whoever it is

Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

Senate majority leader Mitch McConnel announced today that he will push for an immediate vote to confirm President Trump’s nominee to succeed the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the United States Supreme Court-whoever that might be. “If the President want’s him,” he told reporters, “there’s nothing left to discuss. So let’s get on with the vote.”  McConnel dismissed criticisms from Democrats who pointed out that Republicans blocked former President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee on grounds that no such action should be taken by the Senate on the eve of a general election. “This is  not the same thing at all,” McConnel quipped. “This situation is entirely different. Why, it’s as different as black and white.” Mr. McConnell denied assertions that Republicans were out to undue Bader Ginsburg’s legacy of supporting civil rights for women and minorities. “The whole idea that Republicans are out to deprive minorities of their voting rights and take away protections from discrimination against women and limit women’s reproductive rights is just left wing hysteria,” McConnell said. “But even if that were all true,” he added, “would it really be so bad?”

Meanwhile, the White House announced that the flag would be flown at half mast to honor the departed Supreme Court Justice. “Fifteen minutes ought to do it,” said presidential press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany. Asked whether the president had yet settled on a nominee, McEnany declined comment, but added that Mr. Trump’s criteria for selection are simple. “It all boils down to three things: white skin, a penis and loyalty to the president,” she said. McEnany did not deny that white supremacists, Richard Spencer and Stephen Miller were on Trump’s short list. “There has been plenty of controversy over which lives matter in this country,” she said. “The president strongly believes that the highest court should settle the matter once and for all and so it’s critical that we have enough people on the court with a clear understanding of what is really at stake.”

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FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck

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