Editorial by Former Governor and Republican Spokesperson, Chris Christie

Kierkegaard’s Ghost

(News that’s fake, but credible)

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The Ghost is pleased and honored to host the following editorial by former New Jersey State governor and former presidential candidate, Chris Christie. In addition to the above, Mr. Christie has the high distinction of being one of the first rats to desert the good ship Trump after the January 6, 2020 insurrection. He is now a prominent commentator and Republican spokesperson on national media.  

Republicans are going to win big on Tuesday. You know why? Because while Democrats have been whining about women’s reproductive freedom, fair elections and racial equality, we’ve been talking about what Americans really care about. Kitchen table issues. I’m talking inflation and the economy. That’s what matters. That’s all that has ever mattered.

Take a lesson from history. When Hitler first came to power, rejuvenated the economy, created jobs, rebuilt the military and restored a sense of national pride, did anyone worry about a bunch of Jews disappearing? Did they get all antsy about attacks on the press? Did they cry over the loss of their civil liberties? Hell no. They sat at their kitchen tables, thanked the Fuhrer and stuffed their faces. Americans are no different. You think they lose sleep over some ten-year old girl made to bear her rapist’s child? Think they boohoo over a bunch of little five-year old brats that get their brains blown out by an AR-15? Think they worry about losing the opportunity to stand in line every year and pull a lever? Think they care about abstract notions like “feedom,” “democracy” and “constitutional rights?” Nope. They vote for cheep gas, coffee and hamburger meat-and that’s what we promise them. Bread and circuses. It’s what mattered in Rome and it’s what matters in the USA.

And let me tell you something else. In spite of the fact that Republicans get substantial support form so called “evangelical Christians,” they aren’t any different than anyone else. They elected a president who was an adulterer, a compulsive liar and a sexual predator. They are supporting a senatorial candidate who is running against abortion while he paid for two of them on his own offspring. About the only Republican presidential hopeful who has been able to keep it in his pants and live a “pure” life is Mike Pence. These people hate him more than the Democrats do. These so called evangelicals don’t really care two cents for all that Sunday School crap they rave about. They care about what everyone else does: food on the kitchen table.

I repeat, Republicans are going to win big because they understand what Democrats never will. The average American’s interest begins and ends at the kitchen table. It doesn’t reach the poor, the persecuted or the neighbor across the street. Never has. Never will.


FAKE NEWS ALERT: The above article is satirical. The events it describes didn’t happen.  “There are people who will say that this whole account is a lie, but a thing isn’t necessarily a lie even if it didn’t necessarily happen.” John Steinbeck

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