Kierkegaard’s Ghost
(News that’s fake, but credible)
Trump 2020 Campaign press secretary, Kayleigh McEnay, announced today that the campaign will soon be releasing for sale a new and improved “MAGA” hat. The bright red hats, sporting the 2016 campaign slogan, “Make America Great Again,” continue to be popular among the president’s supporters. McEnany, explained that the new hats will have aluminum foil linings to protect the wearer against damaging radiation from Ez Pass detectors, cancer causing vibration from windmills and brain washing from exposure to liberal media. “We encourage our supporters to avoid electronically monitored toll roads, make whatever detour might be necessary to stay at least ten miles from windmills and listen only to ‘safe’ news outlets,” she said. “But we understand that people need to get to their jobs. And when you are getting your car fixed, you might not be able to convince everyone else in the waiting area about the dangers of listening to CNN. In cases like these, it’s good to know that your MAGA hat will protect your brain from any dangerous change of mind.”
Secretary of Education Betsy Devos hailed the new MAGA hat, which will be sold in child sizes, as a breakthrough for early childhood education. “We all know that the brains of very young children are malleable and subject to learning,” she said. “There are a lot of bad things children should not be learning. In a perfect world, we would have all children home schooled where they won’t learn much of anything. But unfortunately, we live in a world where most children go to public school. There they are exposed to learned teachers and libraries filled with books oozing dangerous ideas. Sending your children to school with the new MAGA hat will give them some measure of protection against premature learning.” Her sentiments were echoed by Secretary of Health and Human Services, Alex Michael Azar II. “While our children are so very young and receptive to learning, we need to protect their brains from the dangers of overthinking,” he said. “The problem with liberalism is that it triggers thinking in children before they are able to handle it. We have to make sure we build all the correct thoughts about science, religion and politics into the minds of our children before we allow them to start thinking for themselves.”
Critics question not only the objective, but the efficacy of the new hats. “What scientific basis can there possibly be for the outrageous claim that tin foil can protect your brain from dangerous thoughts-or that there is any need for protection like that?” asked an incredulous reporter of Ms. McEnny. Ms. McEnny would not give specifics, but assured the reporter that the new and improved MAGA hat has been put through rigorous testing and has proven to be thoroughly effective. “Interviews and testing of people who wear our MAGA hats regularly demonstrate conclusively that our hats successfully inhibit thinking-and that’s before we added the aluminum foil linings,” she said.
The new MAGA hats are not yet ready for distribution and sale. Sources tell us that President Trump is tweaking some of his tariffs on Chinese goods to permit their importation into the United States. Ms. McEnny has assured the public, however, that the hats will be available well before the 2020 campaign gets under way.
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Peter's Outer Cape Portico 